Friday, October 25, 2019

Life is Too Short

Life is too short
to be serious all
the time.

So, if you can't
laugh at yourself,
Call me... I'll

laugh at you!

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Ross Noble

'How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'

Ross Noble (June 5, 1976 -)

Monday, October 14, 2019

Technical Sniglets

Egosurf - Searching for yourself on Google or another search engine

E-mailsculation - What happens when the IT department abruptly takes away access to an email account from a worker that's been fired, including archives, distribution lists and contacts.

E-mnesia - Having sent or received an e-mail and having no recollection of it whatsoever.

Execuglide - Maneuver oneself around the room while seated in a wheeled office chair.

Faxcination - Staring intently at the fax machine because you're waiting for a fax to come through.

Fonesia - Dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Gleemail - Inspirational emails forwarded by a friend or coworker that may or may not bring joy to your inbox.

Id10t error - Help desk log lingo for clueless end-user.

IMglish - Combination of chat abbreviations and online slang commonly encountered in instant messages conversations.

Multi-asking - Communicating with someone through IM, phone or e-mail at the same time. See also: e-dundancy.

OhNoSecond - Very short moment in time during which you realize that you have pressed the wrong key and deleted hours, days, or weeks of work.

Percussive Maintenance - Fine art of whacking the crap of of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Phenomenot - Latest, Greatest, wizz-bang whatever that's not what it's proclaimed to be.

Prairiedogging - When co-workers in neighboring cubicles pop their heads up to identify a sound or other happening.

reBay - to buy something on eBay and immediately put it back up for auction.

Regurgimailer - Person who forwards whatever that lands in their inbox to everyone he knows.

Screensucking - Wasting time engaging with any screen, including computer monitor, video game, television, BlackBerry, Palm, cell phone or iPod.

Specifiction - Specification founded on invalid or erroneous assumptions or one that, as written, is impossible to implement.

Zen Mail - E-mail message that arrives without text in the message body.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Richard Herring

'It's important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, 'My enemy's enemy is my friend.' Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So, I have to invite him to barbecues.'

Richard Herring (July 12, 1967 -)

Thursday, October 10, 2019

David O'Doherty

'I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be - Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's ox, except in Scrabble.'

David O'Doherty (December 18, 1975 -)

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Nick Helm

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

Nick Helm

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Reginald D Hunter

'A class system is something you use to discriminate against someone who looks like you.'

Reginald D Hunter (March 26 1969-)

Monday, October 7, 2019

Denis Leary

'Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.'

Denis Leary (August 18 1957-)

Friday, October 4, 2019

Woody Allen

'Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."

Woody Allen (December 1 1935-)

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Peter Kay

'I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.

Peter Kay (July 2 1973-)

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Mitch Hedberg

'The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.'

Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Steve Martin

'First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.'

Steve Martin (August 14 1945-)

Monday, September 30, 2019

Bob Monkhouse

'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'

Bob Monkhouse (1928-2003)

Friday, September 27, 2019

Benny Hill

'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'

Benny Hill (1924-1992)

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Steven Wright

'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'

Steven Wright (December 6 1955-)

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Bill Murray

'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'

Bill Murray (September 21 1950-)

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Monday, September 23, 2019

Les Dawson

The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’

Les Dawson (1931-1993)

Friday, September 20, 2019

Spike Milligan

'I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.'

Spike Milligan (1918-2002)